It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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