I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
