i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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