I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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