You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
