STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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