Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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