i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
