everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
