I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she smelled like a LAN party
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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