he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
