Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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