What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Randomize
