you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
