I haven't been this sober since birth.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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