Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
