Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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