Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
