actually, I'm a sock model
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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