Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
