I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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