He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
