hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
