my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
