just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
