The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
