I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
