She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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