so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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