So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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