My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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