oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
