thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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