her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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