so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
