Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
