Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
