Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
