dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
