Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
