pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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