I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Found the puke drawer
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
