my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
