i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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