My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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