i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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