whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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