im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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