it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
