I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
