I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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